One of the most common worries my clients have before starting therapy is, “What if I don’t even know what to say?” You might know that you haven’t been feeling like yourself, or that you’re struggling, but you may not know how to explain it to someone else, let alone someone you just met. The answer to this is:
You don’t have to know.
Therapy is not a test, you can’t fail it. I have had clients get frustrated or embarrassed to say they do not know how to express themselves, or what to say in response to a question. Figuring it out is a part of the process. That is where I come in. I always tell my clients, “There is a reason you come here. We need help. Sometimes we need help figuring out what we need help with and that is okay.”
Start with something simple, it doesn’t have to be a concrete thought. If you are unsure where to begin, you can simply say, “I am struggling, but I don’t know why” or “I have a lot of going on and I don’t know where to start.” That is a completely valid place to start. Therapy is the place where you don’t have to have it all together. It’s the spot to be messy, to reflect on the same situation until it doesn’t feel as heavy, to complain without judgements.
“I don’t know what is wrong with me.”
Sometimes we may not know what is going on with us, but we know that something needs to change. You may notice you are more withdrawn, anxious, or exhausted. Maybe you are having more arguments in your relationship or struggling with managing stress. You don’t have to come to therapy with a clear explanation or even a diagnosis. We can start with what has been noticed and get curious about what may be going on deeper in the mind. Therapy can give you an opportunity to slow down and become curious about what you’re experiencing. Rather than expecting you to come in with all the answers, therapy can help you begin putting the pieces together. Sometimes understanding what is happening starts with simply noticing what has been feeling difficult.
“I don’t know what to talk about today.”
Personally, I love when my clients come to session and say this to me. It is a blank slate.. It is not abnormal to have these types of sessions when first starting out. There will be sessions where you have a lot to discuss and others where you may feel unsure what to spend the 53 minutes discussing. That is okay! I love directing discussions to what feels natural for my clients in that session. Sometimes that may look like asking simple questions about how things have been since the last session, or reflecting on patterns that have been observed. Most times these questions can open doors to something important or unlock connections to deeper meanings. You might also discover that what you thought you wanted to talk about isn’t actually what you need that day. Therapy doesn’t always have to follow a perfectly planned agenda.
“What if I don’t know what I need from therapy?”
You don’t have to know that either. Maybe you know you want to feel less anxious. Maybe you want to understand yourself better. Maybe you’re struggling with a relationship, a major life transition, grief, your identity, or simply feeling stuck. Your goals may also change multiple times over as we begin learning about ourselves.
Therapy is not about coming in with a 5-step plan for changing everything you don’t like about yourself. It can be about understanding where you are now, help recognize patterns that may no longer be serving you, developing new ways to cope, and figure out what you want your life to look like moving forward. It can also be about accepting those parts of yourself that you may avoid showing to others, or qualities that bring you guilt or shame.
Therapy is not about having the right words or telling your story in the perfect order. It’s about having a space where you can slow down, feel heard, become curious about your experiences, and begin making sense of what you’re going through. You do not have to have it all figured out before you walk through the door, or before you schedule that first session. You can start wherever you are, and we can figure out where to go from there. The best part about therapy is you never have to do it alone.
