One of the biggest challenges I see in my athlete clients is confidence and self-esteem. Sports can be one of the most rewarding parts of a young person’s life—teaching teamwork, responsibility, discipline, and work ethic. These are qualities that carry far beyond the field or court and into adulthood. But sports also come with pressure, comparison, and inevitable failure. There will always be moments where someone seems “better,” where mistakes happen, and where confidence gets shaken. Mental toughness doesn’t start in the big moments—it starts with how an athlete views themselves day to day. Confidence is the belief in one’s ability to succeed, while self-esteem is the overall sense of self-worth. When those are low, performance and enjoyment both suffer. As a parent, you want your child to perform well and love what they’re doing. The good news is, there are ways to actively support that. Here are five ways you can help your athlete build lasting confidence and self-esteem.
- Show up!
No matter how focused an athlete is during a game, they are almost always scanning the crowd for the people who matter most to them. They notice when you are there, and they notice when you are not. This is especially true during the moments when they are not playing, whether due to injury or limited playing time. While life gets busy and it is not always possible to attend every event, consistently showing up sends a powerful message: you matter, regardless of your performance.
Being present, even when your child is on the bench, reinforces that your support is not conditional. Just as teammates continue to show up for each other when injured, parental presence during these times teaches athletes that their value extends far beyond what they do on the field or court. It helps them understand that love and support are not earned through playing time, stats, or outcomes. Over time, this builds a healthier sense of self-worth and prevents them from tying their identity solely to performance.
- Let Them Struggle… a little!
Watching your child struggle is one of the hardest things to do as a parent. Your instinct is to jump in and fix it, just like when they were younger and couldn’t get the top off a bottle. But when we consistently step in too quickly, we unintentionally send the message that they can’t handle things on their own. Over time, this can lower their confidence and increase their dependence on others.
Confidence is built through experience, especially the kind that includes frustration, mistakes, and eventually figuring it out. Think about moments like your child working through tough practice, missing a shot, striking out, or not getting as much playing time as they hoped. These are not moments to rescue. They are opportunities to grow! When a child works through something difficult and comes out the other side, there is a sense of pride that cannot be given to them it has to be earned.
In sports, failure is not just possible, it is guaranteed. There is no perfect athlete who has never made a mistake, missed a shot, or had a bad game. Learning how to respond to those moments is what builds discipline, resilience, and long-term confidence. Instead of stepping in, support your child by asking questions like, “What do you think you could try next time?” or “What did you learn from that?” This keeps them in the driver’s seat while still feeling supported. In therapy, we often use a child-centered approach, which means allowing the child to lead, explore, and problem-solve on their own. The same principle applies at home and in sports. When kids are given space to struggle and succeed on their own, they begin to trust themselves, and that is where real confidence is built.
- Be mindful of how you talk about yourself
Kids love the “copy game”. They mimic everything you do. Sometimes it is funny, sometimes a little frustrating, and sometimes it makes you realize they are picking up on things you did not even mean to teach. The reality is, kids learn far more from what we do than what we say. Behavior acts like a mirror—they reflect it back to us.
If we are constantly criticizing ourselves out loud; saying things like “I’m so lazy,” “I look awful,” or “I’m not good at anything”, kids begin to internalize that language. They learn that this is how you talk to yourself, and eventually, it becomes how they talk to themselves. The same goes for how we talk about others. When kids hear negative comments about teammates, coaches, or other people, they start to believe that mistakes or imperfections lead to criticism. Over time, they may begin to fear making those same mistakes and turn that criticism inward.
This is why being mindful of your words matters so much. Modeling positive, balanced self-talk, like “I made a mistake, but I’ll figure it out” or “I’m still learning”, teaches kids how to respond to challenges in a healthier way. You do not have to be perfect but being intentional about how you speak about yourself and others can have a lasting impact. Sometimes, being kinder to yourself is not just for you, it is one of the most powerful ways to build your child’s confidence and self-esteem.
- Validate feelings without over-identifying them
How often do we all just want to feel heard and understood? Kids are the same way. When they are upset, frustrated, or discouraged, they are not always looking for someone to fix it right away, they want to know that their feelings matter. When parents immediately dismiss what a child is feeling, even with good intentions, it can make them feel misunderstood.
Hearing your child does not mean simply agreeing with everything they say, but it does mean taking the time to understand where those feelings come from. For example, if your child says, “I’m terrible at this,” instead of quickly saying, “No you’re not,” try saying, “That sounds really frustrating, want to figure it out together?” This validates their feelings while also helping them move toward problem-solving.
When children feel heard, they learn that their emotions matter and that challenges can be worked through. That sense of understanding builds trust, emotional safety, and ultimately confidence!
- Focus on effort, not just outcomes.
When parents consistently praise only outcomes like, “you’re so smart,” “you’re the best,” “you always win”, kids can begin to connect their worth to performance. As mentioned earlier, children make powerful associations—even ones we do not always realize we are reinforcing. When their identity becomes tied to results, setbacks can feel much bigger than just a bad game or a missed opportunity.
So when an athlete has an off day, struggles in competition, or doesn’t perform the way they hoped, they may internalize it as “I’m not good enough” rather than “I had a tough game.” Over time, this can lead to overthinking, self-criticism, burnout, and even a loss of enjoyment in the sport they once loved.
Instead, shift the focus to effort, persistence, and problem-solving. Statements like “I noticed how hard you worked,” “you kept going even when it was tough,” or “I like how you adjusted after that mistake” help build resilience. This teaches kids that success is not just about the outcome, it is about effort, growth, and how they respond when things do not go perfectly.
