If you’ve ever been in a therapy session with me, chances are you’ve heard me ask something like, “Where do you feel that in your body?” or “Is that your voice or someone else’s?” These aren’t just throwaway questions or therapy “buzzwords.” They’re invitations to pause, go inward, and get curious about what’s really going on beneath the surface.
In this blog, I want to share some of the things I often say to clients and explain why I say them. Whether you’re a current client, a fellow therapist, or just someone who wants a better understanding of the therapy process, I hope this gives you a glimpse into the work we’re doing together.
“Where do you feel that in your body?”
This question might seem a little strange at first, especially if you’re used to thinking about emotions as something that just “happens in your head.” But emotions live in the body. Anxiety might show up as tightness in your chest. Shame could feel like heat in your face. Sadness might sit on your shoulders like a weight. By learning to notice where emotion shows up in your body, you’re building awareness which is the first step toward regulation. This question also helps you slow down. Rather than just naming a feeling and brushing past it, we pause, feel it, and sit with it without judgment.
“What part of you feels that way?”
This is a question rooted in Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic approach that sees our inner world as made up of different “parts”, each with its own voice, history, and job. When I ask this question, I’m trying to help you notice that your reaction or emotion might be coming from one specific part, not your whole self. Maybe a young, protective part of you feels hurt or scared.
Maybe a perfectionist part is chiming in to keep you safe. Naming the part can reduce overwhelm and give us a new way to work with emotions that feel too big or confusing.
“What could that part be protecting you from? What is its purpose?”
Once we’ve identified the part that’s feeling activated, I like to get curious. Why is it showing up? What is it trying to do for you? Even the most frustrating or self-sabotaging behaviors usually come from a protective place. Maybe that avoidant part is keeping you from feeling rejected. Maybe that inner critic is trying to push you toward success so you don’t get hurt. We don’t have to like all of our parts at first, but understanding their purpose can soften our relationship with them. We can shift from judgment to compassion, from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What is this part trying to protect me from?”
“Can we see how that part may have positive intent?”
This is one of my favorite questions to ask when a client is feeling frustrated with themselves. It’s easy to get mad at the anxious part, the angry part, the numbing part. But when we look closer, we often find that even those parts are doing the best they can with what tools they have access to. They may be using outdated strategies, but they’re trying to help in the best way they know how. Seeing the positive intent behind a part doesn’t excuse harmful behavior but it gives us a new path forward. Instead of fighting against yourself, you can begin to build trust within your internal system and invite those parts to take on new, more adaptive roles.
“Whose voice is that? Yours or someone else’s?”
This one can be a game changer. When a client says something harsh about themselves like “I’m too much” or “I always mess things up” I like to gently ask: Whose voice is that? Often, it’s not theirs. It’s the voice of a critical parent, a teacher, an old friend, or even society as a whole. It’s a message they’ve internalized and adopted as truth. Once we identify that the voice doesn’t belong to them, we can start to challenge it. You don’t have to carry around those old messages forever. You get to choose what you believe about yourself now.
“Sometimes it can be both.”
This is something I say often, especially when working with kids. Emotions aren’t either/or they’re often both/and. You can be excited for summer and also nervous for the next school year and the changes/transitions that will come with that. You can feel happy to be done with the school year for now and sad to be leaving your current teacher. Saying “Sometimes it can be both” gives kids (and adults!) permission to hold multiple truths at once. It helps them understand that conflicting emotions don’t mean something’s wrong, they just mean you’re human. When we normalize emotional complexity, we create space for self-acceptance and deeper emotional literacy. It’s one of the most important tools I teach in the therapy room.
Why do these questions/phrases matter? They aren’t just things I say because they sound nice… they’re grounded in therapeutic theory, neuroscience, and years of sitting with people in their most vulnerable moments. Each question is designed to help you connect more deeply with your inner world, understand your emotional and behavioral patterns, and develop compassion for the parts of you that are just trying to get through the day. Therapy isn’t about fixing you. It’s about helping you understand yourself, befriend your inner world, and build a life that feels more aligned and authentic.
If you’re a client reading this, maybe you recognize some of these questions. Maybe they’ve helped you pause and reflect or maybe they’ve challenged you in uncomfortable ways. Either way, I want you to know that they come from a place of deep respect for your story and your resilience. And if you’re considering therapy or just exploring your own inner world, I invite you to ask yourself these questions outside of session, too. You might be surprised at what you discover! Your healing is allowed to be slow, curious, and full of questions. I’ll be here asking them with you.
