Did you know that roaches have been around for millions of years, and it is suspected that there are thousands of species worldwide? They are resilient and persistent critters that tend to infest homes during the cold winter months. Often, they are found in basements and other lesser used areas of a residence. Most people do not have a fond admiration for these intrusive insects, and for a good reason. Not only do they hiss to warn off predators, but they release allergens and readily spread diseases. Unfortunately, they gather and multiply long before being discovered in their warm, dark environments. One becomes two, and two become a small army that is a force to be reckoned with. One running joke is that a roach could even survive a nuclear bomb!

Believe it or not, roaches are similar to the mental health symptoms you endure. I know it sounds like a stretch but stay with me. Symptoms, like roaches, thrive in deep darkness. The anxiety, depression, eating disorder, addiction, shame, or any other mental health concern encourages you to befriend secrecy. It tells you lies, such as “no one would like you if they knew your struggles” or “you will prove to be a disappointment to those around you if your issues are seen.” It says that you should stay quiet and isolated. Symptoms often instill fear and disgust, just like roaches. Except this kind of fear and disgust is inward. The messages sent appear to be of sound mind, but they are actually cruel lies intended to foster a vicious cycle of pathology.

Also similar to these pests, symptoms will thrive and take over before you know it. In no time, both will cause harm and take control of the foundation they inhabit. Destruction ensues and can easily become a rampage. However, just as a home should not be overrun or defined by pests, neither should you. A home contains rooms where people gather, dining spaces where loved ones eat, bedrooms where you dream, and spaces where memories are made. You contain morals, character, values, strengths, and love. All of this is despite the issues within.

What happens when you spot a crowd of roaches and shine a light on them? That is right, they scatter. They are afraid of being exposed, so they divide and lose the strength in numbers. Your symptoms are the same way. While left in the darkness of secrecy they are strong and daunting with the power of the unknown. However, when exposed for what they are, you find liberation from the pests. They no longer control you; you control them. You are able to now put a leash on the roaches and “name it to tame it.” At the end of the day, it is none other than yourself who is wielding the light and leash. You are the one who gets to exterminate or domesticate the roaches. You get to share your experience with others and find support in those around you. Others will begin to realize they are not alone in their infestation as well and that a connection can be formed. Hope is born and pathology weakens. So, I leave you with a few inquiries. Are you housing these metaphorical roaches? Are they growing in strength and number? If so, are you ready to make them scatter by shining the light of your truth on them? I encourage you, let your light shine and explore the dark depths within. As Brene Brown stated ever so eloquently:

“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it.

It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the

shadows”

We may not always realize it, but our beliefs can be like seeds. We plant them in the soil of our lives, and then they take root and grow. First, the seed begins to sprout. Roots form downwards as a stem forms upwards and are soon to be joined by tiny needles and leaves. If the spout survives, it becomes a tree and, depending on the type of tree, will eventually bear fruit. Our beliefs, when planted in the soil of our life, also become trees and bear fruit. The fruit of that tree can be good and nourishing, or it can be rotten-making our very lives sick.

When we harbor negative beliefs about ourselves, the world, and others, we experience the effects of these beliefs on many levels This rotten fruit manifests itself in the form of emotions such as sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, fear, loneliness, rage, and despair. Those emotions will eventually lead to behaviors such as isolation, control, lashing out, or self-harm. We sometimes try to cope with and manage these negative emotions and behaviors without dealing with the tree that are producing them. We try to will ourselves to try harder to overcome our sadness, control, or anger and then feel hopeless when the bad fruit just grows back again. The problem is that we don’t make the connection between our beliefs (the seed that becomes the tree) and our feelings and behaviors (the fruit). We don’t understand that until we deal with our core beliefs, we will always be picking off rotten fruit and wrestling with the negative emotions and behaviors that these beliefs yield.

Think about it: If an individual has a core belief that “I am worthless”, what kinds of feelings is that core belief going to produce? What kind of behaviors are likely to follow? Let’s face it, there is little chance that a core belief of “I am worthless” is going to lead to feelings of happiness and security. The only logical fruit of that belief is negative feelings and behavior. But what if a person has a core belief that “I have inherent worth and value”? What feelings and behaviors will grow out of those beliefs? Peace? Security? Self-esteem?

If you notice some bad fruit in your life, you might want to dig a little deeper. Try to identify the core beliefs you possess about yourself, others, and the world around you. It may be that the true source of your problem is what you believe, and that changing what you believe is your solution. I won’t lie to you, changing beliefs that you have held for a long time is not easy. It’s hard work. But with determination and support, it can be done. If you have been dealing with rotten fruit, it’s time to cut down that bad tree and plant a new one in its place. New, healthy seeds can take root in your life and grow fruit that will bring nourishment to your life for years to come.

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Written By Jenny Hudson

Ready or not, ‘Tis the season for family, food and fellowship! For some families, this is a celebratory time to take a break and connect with loved ones. But for many, it is a stressful occasion full of competing emotions, travel schedules, hosting duties, holiday expenses, disrupted routines, unresolved conflict and misaligned expectations. These stressors can provoke anxiety and depression, thus turning a wonderful season into a woeful one.

Every member of a family has their own stress points and coping strategies, but the need for support is universal. Working together as a family to support each other through any trial and tribulations brought on by the holiday season can ease stress and facilitate connection. Below are five strategies for navigating the holiday season as a family.

1. Set a family Intention for your time together.

Intentions provide direction, purpose and motivation. By setting an intention as a family, you are already bonding over your shared focus for your time together even before it begins!

To set a family intention, ask each member of the family one word to describe what he or she would like the day to be like. These can be words like happy, fun, peaceful, relaxing, etc. Put your words together and finish this sentence, “Today, we are going to have a (word 1), (word 2), (word 3), (word 4) day!

2. Create a Safe Space.

Often, when we feel stressed, it’s a good idea to take a break from the chaos. As a family, designate a safe space that can be utilized for a little quiet time, if needed. This can be a specific room in the house, chair on the porch or even the car (if you are traveling). Make sure each member of the family understands where the safe space is, what it is for and who to notify if he or she needs to take a break.

3. Implement a “Blackout.”

Though phones, iPads and computers are prevalent in our culture today, too much screen time can induce depression, anxiety, isolation, and low self-esteem. These obstacles can increase stress and impact the families’ ability to connect. To help facilitate quality time, consider a device “blackout” time. This is a dedicated block of time without any electronic devices present. This could be over meal times, while playing games, family movie night, etc.

To designate a “blackout,” talk with your family about what times of the day they want to have device free time together. When that time arrives, place a basket in the room where members can place their devices for the allotted time. When the time is up, everyone can reclaim his or her electronics.

4. Practice Gratitude.

Practicing gratitude increases physical and psychological health, as well as, overall happiness. In short, when we focus on the things that make us feel good, it is harder to focus on the things that make us feel bad. And even better, talking gratitude is easy, free and a great group activity! Here are some ideas for practicing gratitude as a family:

• On the way to a holiday gathering, have each person in the car list three things they are grateful for
• Turn it into a game: Every time someone says a “special” word (example: turkey or Santa) each member has to say something they are grateful for
• Before opening a gift, the present opener must first say one thing they are grateful for
• At meal times, take turns going around the table sharing one thing each person is grateful for
• At bedtime, each person lists three things they are grateful for from that day

5. Play Together

Play is the antithesis of stress. It promotes connection, healing, resilience, trust, safety and vitality. So get the whole family together and try something new!

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Written By Stephanie Latka

It’s hard to believe that spring is right around the corner! By this time, resolutions and goals for the new year feel far behind us. However, whether you have already made progress on your New Year’s resolutions or find yourself stuck and giving up, this is no doubt a great time for self-reflection and growth. One of the most intimidating aspects of goal setting is the fear of failure, so consequently we just don’t set any goals. The next year we find ourselves in the same place we were the year before. Maybe you’ve already found yourself struggling to hold on to the momentum of new year energy. Personal growth is simple, but it is not easy. It takes an intentional mindset towards the goal at hand to move us in the directions we want to go.

Imagine, if you will, that your goals are a table setting. If you’re intending to eat soup for dinner would you set the table with plates and forks? Of course not, that would create a mess and make it very difficult to eat your soup. This is often how we approach our goals though. Our goal may be to lose weight, however; we’ve not reset the table to support that goal. Or maybe we have, but we haven’t taken the bowl of candy out of the middle. Make sense? Another example is a goal to be more organized. How is your table currently set that is not contributing to your feeling of being organized? What needs to come off the table? What needs to be put on?

Now that you’ve set your table; created your plan, it’s time to live into it. Break the larger goal down into smaller goals. I’d like to organize my entire home by the end of the year. I will start with the guest bedroom. Tell someone about your plan and update them as you reach milestones. Give yourself permission to make a change. This one may sound silly, but often times we don’t realize how our self-talk defeats us! Your words matter! Be mindful of how you’re talking to yourself and choose to be a cheerleader not a defeater. Celebrate the small victories and keep your eye focused on the goal! You’ve got this!!

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Written By Laura Meadow, LMFT

Valentine’s day is here! Whether it’s a holiday we love or one we love to hate, there’s no denying that it puts ‘love’ on the brain. One of the most loving things you can offer your partner is the privilege of knowing you and knowing them in return. However, often this level of vulnerability is difficult even in our closest and most intimate partner relationships. Below is a sharing exercise that sets the table for daily engagement and opens the door for deeper, more fulfilling conversation that will allow us to know and be known.

FANOS

feelings • affirmation • needs • ownership • spirituality

In Greek the word fanos means light or lantern …. We will use this acronym to help us take a brief time each day to turn on the light and allow what is in your soul to be plainly seen by your partner. Set aside time each day to share with your partner from each of the 5 areas. You will take turns sharing and follow the rules below:

Rule #1 — No interrupting when your partner speaks.

Rule #2 — No replying to what your partner says during this exercise.

Rule #3 — You may listen.

Rule #4 — You may ask clarifying questions at the end.

Rule #5 — At the end of your listening/clarifying respond with the words “Thank you for sharing.”

Rule #6 — Do not engage in any deeper conversations resulting from FANOS for 24 hours.

 

When sharing with your partner try to cover each of the areas of FANOS:

FEELINGS – What are you feeling today? Be as open as you can. Avoid blaming. Take responsibility for the way you feel. Explain it simply yet fully.

AFFIRMATION – What is one thing that you can readily affirm about your partner? It can be something big or something simple. Something confined to that moment/ day or something ongoing.

NEEDS – What is something you need? This may be something you are feeling like you need from your partner in particular or just any other need you may feel. It may be an obvious one that (s)he already knows or it may be something new.

OWNERSHIP – What is something you need to confess and take ownership for? Big, small, the whole story, or just something. Taking ownership, unprompted, every day for some shortcoming demonstrates to your partner the proactivity that (s)he needs to feel from you to believe in the forward progress of your partnership together.

SPIRITUALITY/STRUGGLE/SOBRIETY – Share some part of one of these areas with your partner. What has moved you, challenged you or inspired you?

 

(The FANOS exercise was taken and adapted from “Shattered Vows” by Debra Laaser, pg. 184-186)

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Written By Laura Meadow, LMFT

There are many options for dealing with stress and anxiety day to day such as exercise, healthy diet, rest, deep breathing, mindfulness, counseling, etc. The common thread throughout all of these interventions is slowing down: slowing down our bodies, slowing down our minds, just slowing down. This can be very daunting in a go go go society. Finding ways to engage these various activities as a natural part of our day to day is the most effective way to begin to manage stress and anxiety.

Here is a list of 5 smart phone apps (according to forbes.com) that one can use to manage stress and anxiety. These apps provide a range of soothing interventions such as mediations, deep breathing exercise and calming music or imagery. They also help address other side effects of anxiety like sleeplessness, isolation, racing thoughts and panic attacks. While all five of the apps mentioned are free, most of them also offer upgrades versions for a fee, that include extra features that are not available in the free versions.

1. Headspace: Relax with guided meditations and mindfulness techniques that bring calm, wellness and balance to your life. Headspace provides hundreds of meditations on subjects like sleep, focus and exercise, calming sounds to promote rest and peace, accountability with other users, and even SOS sessions for moments of panic and increased anxiety.

2. Calm: Calm provides customized interventions based on your specific stressors or goals, such as insomnia, depression, overwhelm. Calm has meditations, soothing music, trainings and mindfulness exercises that you can engage in daily to promote emotional health.

3. Insighttimer: Insighttimer is one of the most popular meditation apps right now due to the large community of users that it boasts. The app will show you how many other users are meditating at the same time as you. It offers nearly 10,000 different meditations in over 25 different languages.

4. Colorfy: Colorfy is a mindfulness app that touches on the creative aspects of the brain through visual stimulation. You can paint from pre-loaded templates or even create your own.

5. Aura: Aura provides personalized daily meditations aimed specifically at stress, anxiety, and depression. You will fill out an initial questionnaire to help set your current mood and then will receive a 3 minute guided meditation each day to address your targeted goal.

There are many other great options where these came from. These are just to get you started! Simply search mindfulness app or mental health apps and find one that works best for you!

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Written By Laura Meadow, LMFT

In my last blog we discussed how to talk about and prevent sexual abuse. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a child still gets hurt. So what do you do if your child or a child you care for discloses to you that they have been abused?

• First and foremost stay as calm as possible. This child has trusted you with very vulnerable information and they are looking to you to restore safety and stability in their world. Reassure the child that they’ve made a very good and brave choice by telling. They will be watching your reaction very closely and looking for cues that everything is going to be ok. You don’t have to pretend as if nothing has happened, but overly emotional reactions such as intense crying, screaming or rage may cause the child to feel as if they’ve made a mistake or that they are to blame.
• Contact the authorities. This can be a very intimidating process; however, this is the first and biggest step towards recovery. It is also the law. By reporting the incident, you are setting the stage for breaking the cycle of abuse that the child is desperate to be free from. You are taking control of a very difficult situation and allowing yourself to be a game changing part of the process.
• Make sure the alleged abuser has no further contact with the child moving forward. This can be a confusing time for a child, especially if the abuser was someone the child knew and trusted. It’s not abnormal for a child to want to be with the abuser again or to want to try and protect him/her. It is important to help the child understand that he/she is not to blame for what happened to him/her and that the abuser will need help from other grownups to make sure that he/she doesn’t continue to hurt others.
• Follow the child’s cues to re-establish his/her sense of safety. For example, a child may want to sleep with a light on for a time or wear sunglasses to ‘hide me from the bad guys’. Continue to assure the child that he/she is not to blame and be mindful of your own language when speaking about the abuse. For instance, a child may feel shame if he/she participated in sexual games ‘willingly’. Sometimes as loving adults we may even find ourselves blaming a child for participating or for not telling sooner. Remember it is developmentally appropriate for a child to want to please the adults in his/her life.
• As much as possible help your child to maintain a typical daily routine. Allow him/her to continue to spend time playing with friends or engaging in favorite activities such as sports and social outings. Engaging in the normal everyday allows for several things: 1.) It gives the child reprieve from having to think or talk about the abuse all the time. 2.) It reenforces stability and gives the child hope to live into ‘normalcy’, rathe than feeling like life can never be ok or safe again.
• Get professional help. Never ever try to deal with sexual abuse without seeking professional help. Sexual abuse is far reaching and it not only affects the abuser and the victim, but also those close to them as well. It will be very normal as a parent or caregiver to feel rage, grief and guilt among other things. It is important for everyone effected to have a safe space to address the emotional damage that comes with the abuse. Often times secret keeping and isolation can be a natural reaction to dealing with such an overwhelming situation, but secrets tend to only deepen the shame and further support the ongoing cycle of abuse.

With the right support recovery is possible! Many people that have experienced this type of trauma are able to heal and go on to lead very healthy and successful lives as adults.

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Written By Laura Meadow, LMFT

One of the most common fears of parents is someone hurting our precious littles. It’s almost unfathomable to think about for even myself as a parent as I type these words. Yet ignoring hard issues doesn’t make them disappear. One of the greatest choices we can make as parents is to tackle tough subjects head on. Let’s be proactive rather than reactive!

Grooming behaviors are the most common tactics an abuser will use to get close to a child they intend to harm. It is important to realize that these behaviors are not typically sexual in nature and can occur both in person or online. Most often an abuser is someone that a child knows and trusts. The goal of grooming behaviors is to build an emotional connection with a child with the intent of sexual abuse or exploitation. They often occur in stages in order to increase trust and desensitize victims and their parents towards inappropriate behavior.

So, for example, an abuser may start off buying small treat or gifts for a child and make them feel special. Later on, they may begin asking for something in return- a hug for an ice cream cone. This will continue to escalate toward abuse. Another example may include ‘innocent’ touches in front of the child’s parents (hugs, hand on a shoulder, or even ‘accidentally rubbing against a child’) in order to teach the child that the parent ‘consents’ to physical contact between the child and the abuser. As the grooming escalates the abuser will begin to find ways to isolate the child emotionally and physically from parents, family and peers.

The most difficult and overwhelming aspect of this type of behavior is that often times these truly are innocent gestures of interaction between trustworthy adults and children which are vital for their emotional health and stability. This is why they are so effective for abusers to utilize and why you often hear parents lamenting after the fact that they should have seen the signs. Nevertheless, an adult taking interest in a child’s life and developing relationship with them does not automatically mean they are an abuser. Yet, many different efforts towards one child can signify cause for concern and a parent should always consider their own intuition and look deeper if something feels ‘off’ to them.

So what can you as a parent do to prevent your child becoming a victim?

• Educate your child on what appropriate touch and interaction with an adult should look like. Teach them about grooming behavior and what to look for. Do not shy away from open conversation with them.
• Get to know the adults that will be responsible for your child in any capacity. Do not be afraid to ask them questions. Find out what other adults may have access to your child if they are at a school or a daycare.
• Ask your child who they are interacting with. Let your child know that they can trust you and talk to you about any interaction that makes them uncomfortable.
• Show up unannounced to places where your child is in the presence of other adults. By showing that you are purposefully aware of your child and their surroundings you are making a statement that they are not an easy target for an abuser.
• Always trust your gut. This does not automatically mean you have to report someone that makes you feel uncomfortable, but it does mean you should explore the reasons you’re feeling uncertain. If after asking questions and getting more information you still feel uncertain, then find another environment or adult for your child to engage.

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Written By Laura Meadow, LMFT